originally posted on cohost (rip)

when you finally come back to your house, it's cold, like a freezer. the heating doesn't work and you're too tired to talk to the landlord. you spend your first day curled up in bed, too cold to stretch your legs out, too cold to leave the small warmth of your blankets.

the second day it gets the smallest bit warmer. you finally drag yourself out of bed long enough to light an old dusty candle. you open the window to let sunlight in. you put on thicker socks, thicker pants, and layer on your shirts. you should have done this earlier—you aren't used to debilitating cold. your lips are still blue. you wonder about what causes hypothermia, but you don't google it.

you make a trip into the cold-tiled cold bathroom where everything is colder and turn on the tap. first the water is like ice, then, miraculously, it's steaming hot. a hot shower helps your circulation, your mom would tell you. you sniffle your way through the shower. your wounds run scarlet into the drain. when you get out the temperature feels not cold, but cool.

you look out the window. the view is so still you can trick your brain into thinking it's a picture. you love this place. nothing happens here.

blood drips onto your carpet.

from your palm, a cut that must have reopened in the shower. you put your mouth on it while you grab some tissue and search around for that detergent stick you know you bought a couple months ago. you're not even sure it works. but you feel better using it.

when you're done rubbing it into the carpet, you sit back and watch the sun stream through to your feet. the quiet makes your heart hammer, like you should be doing something, but you know what you need is to rest. they'll call for you soon. you need to be somebody that is good at recuperating.

but fuck, they could have at least sent some backup.

you blame it on your poor communication. then you blame your self-deprecation on your demanding boss. then you hang your head and lie on the floor. it's still cold. but, ever so slowly, it gets warm where it touches your skin. and you ache. but it feels good to feel your heart beat.